You have heard the saying over and over again all your life, “Don’t touch your child when you are angry”. It has been repeated throughout child rearing books and really just stands for itself, or does it? There has been another mantra that goes with this saying and that is; “Count to ten before you do anything”, and these two statements together are supposed to guide adults into the understanding of not being rash, hasty or maybe even down right cruel but there is more.
In this article we are going to discuss a reason to be able to disregard the second statement and really truly understand why the first saying has so much more to tell than meets the eye. The understanding of the concept goes back to a psychological experiment done by a gentleman named Pavlov. What Pavlov did was quite surprising to us because some of us have come to the understanding that we act and learn just like the dog in his experiment; only we do it more effectively and can learn with a one time experience.
What happened when Pavlov rang the bell without the meat being in front of the dog and still having the dog salivate uncontrollably was unprecedented. Of course, this was a controlled science experiment using a dog, and when presented in the books at school, perhaps the impact of what a sound or touch could do to make behavioral changes and learnings for us as humans might not have been fully comprehended at the time of presentation.
But could we be like dogs? Hogwash…
Can we be trained just like a dog? Have you ever needed a paycheck? Have you ever woken up to an alarm? The point is, when you are angry and you touch a child, the correlation between the touch and anger will manifest an anchor at the spot you touched the child at. Along with that spot and touch, depending upon the childs reaction to the anger, and most likely it will be extreme fear or utter disgust, you will be completing the Pavlov chain of learning events.
Summoning up that very same response is just about guaranteed when you touch the child in the same spot again because of our inherent ability of one time learning. It won’t matter what is happening at the time of the touch, you could be enjoying a summer day and laughing and touch the child in the same spot and recreate that fear all over again, vividly! The child will not understand why the sudden feeling of fear and you can now truly understand why the saying has more to it than meets the eye.
With an understanding of the above concepts, you can now go forth with the knowledge of when you should actually touch your child. You now have the ability to fill your children with great memories and good feelings and recreate them every time you touch your child in that same spot, with the same force. Another and even better, longer lasting and more fun producing way is to chain anchors, but we will leave the details of that for some other time and article.
When you are angry and the reasons exist for time out or some other form of discipline, make sure you are in control and you are being calm and even handed. Show the path for the child to follow to their room or corner, but avoid touching as much as possible. If the child is throwing themselves on the floor and being completely uncooperative, leave the room. The child will quickly realize they are alone and this should change or redirect their attention. As a parent, you only need to provide a distraction from what is currently happening and in a few seconds time, you can change the reaction or response of the child. If you can imagine in the heat of the confrontation, calmly looking behind the child and inquisitively asking “What is that?” this will completely confuse the normal process and you can insert a new one in its place. A child that is resisting and fighting all the way to the corner can become confused as to why the punishment, since there was so much drama during the encounter.
Being the adult, and having the control can be overwhelming if your children have gotten the better of you, but knowing that you can anchor any emotion to your child does have some intriguing applications, you can start now! If you are fearless, touching your child when you make them smile and laugh can be habit forming. When your child is lonely or bored touch them where you know you have built the anchor for the laughing and smiles. Let me know how it goes. Oh yeah, almost forgot, this works for the spouse too.
